Dock five. The Immaculata?
Over there.
I cannot, I repeat...
cannot sit in this cesspool by the sea with nothing to do.
So while you repair your silly boat engines, I will do some remodeling.
I've already sent for a carpenter.
Well, do whatever, dittums. I'm shooting skeet.
Hello?
Mr. Stayton?
Anybody home? Hello?
State your purpose.
- Nice-looking Weatherby you got there. - It's a very expensive gun.
I have lots and lots of them.
- Somebody call for a carpenter? - That's my wife's department.
Excuse me. Could you tell me where your wife might be?
You're the carpenter?
Yeah. Dean Proffitt.
You're late.
- References? - Well, no, not really.
I just moved up to this area and...
Well, hey, I've been doin' this kind of shit... work for years.
This is... This is just beautiful. What a...
- Try not to touch anything. - Oh, I won't.
Andrew will keep an eye on you.
Maybe you'd like to take fingerprints before I get started.
I was just kidding.
Don't walk so close to me.
Where's your problem?
- My closet. - Uh-huh.
In here.
Now you can see how inadequate this all is.
I need new shoe racks for my shoes.
Excuse me. I was told that this was some kind of an emergency.
It is.
And I need drawers for my lingerie.
I can't keep entering these boxes all the time.
Hello?
Hey, I'm sorry. I understand now.
You want me to remodel your closet.
Isn't that what I've been explaining in some detail?
Is English your second language?
What is that odor?
Gee, I guess... I don't smell anything.
Madam.
Well! I almost had to wait.
I got an idea for a shoe rack right in here maybe, huh?
What is this gelatinous muck?
Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples...
must I specify that you are to pack good caviar...
and not this $1.99 fish bait?
Yes, madam.
Caviar should be round and hard and of adequate size.
And it should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.
Yes, madam.
- Carpenter? - Yeah?
You have exactly 48 hours. I suggest you get started.
- Throw that out. - Yes, madam.
Watch him.
Oh, boy. She is really somethin'.
I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting.
I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me at the auction?
But, of course.
- Bid one million, 700 thousand. - Shit!
- Grant, I'm on the phone! - I can't hear you, Tea Rose!
I'm shooting skeet!
- Pull. - Firing!
Hello.
You know, forks were invented so man could...
at least make a pretense of separating himself from the apes.
So were thumbs.
- What did you say? - Nothin'. Just my stomach.
Well, try to control your bodily noises so I can hear myself think.
And another Oregon good mornin' to ya.
Wilbur Budd here with some local items.
The Fraga Feed and Fertilizer folks are hiring...
people to shovel the stuff.
Women are welcome too.
There's no chauvinism in the manure business.
These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish.
I guess I'm supposed to walk around...
with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?
- Joanna, please. - It's easy for you to say.
You don't have to sit out here in the brine...
with your perm frizzing to oblivion.
I look like a bushman.
Why don't you go inside and get out of the sea air?
Because that Elk Snout mountain man is still working on my closet.
He's sweating all over the place.
I doubt if he's even housebroke.
I think they housebreak each other, don't they?
- What? - He's listening.
- Who? - That carpenter.
He's been hanging on every word we've been saying for the last two days.
It's your project, Joanna. You deal with it.
Come along, men.
- Captain says the engines are ready. - Let's get going.
I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you?
No, I'm still tacky.
Keep your mouth shut for ten more minutes, collect the money and get out.
Well, are we amusing you?
- What is this? - I'm done. I'm finished.
- What do you think? - What is it?
It's a shoe rack with a twist. You ready?
You just turn the crank here. Those drop back.
These split and comes from behind. Gives you twice the space...
Stop boring me with your absurdities. What's it made of?
It's called wood. It's oak.
Oak? An oak closet?
- Why am I even amazed? - I don't know. Why are you amazed?
Because one would think that you would know that closets are made of cedar.
Otherwise, we get moths.
There's not a real big moth problem off the Pacific Coast.
But if you want one out of cedar, that's fine. I'll start all over.
I just have to tell you, that's going to more than double my estimate.
- What do you mean? - What I mean is...
I've already done this out of oak, so I'm gonna have to go...
- I'm not paying for your mistake. - I'm not gonna eat it on this deal.
Why not? You've eaten everything else in this place.
You will eat it, because I want it cedar!
You may have wanted cedar, but you didn't ask for cedar.
The entire civilized world knows that all closets are made of cedar.
Up here in Elk Snout, ma'am, we don't know about them closets nor bathrooms.
Shit, woman, you're lucky I am housebroke.
- You were listening. - It was kind of hard to avoid.
You can avoid it in the future, because you're fired.
You're unbelievable.
That's fine with me. Just pay me the money you owe me.
The job was not done to my satisfaction.
I got news for you, lady. No job will ever be done to your satisfaction.
That's quite enough! Now, just get out.
No problem! Just pay me the 600 bucks you owe me and I'm gone!
Captain Karl, start up the engine.
Oh, for cryin'... You know what your problem is, huh?
You're so goddamned bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about.
You haven't got a single thing on this Earth to do except for your hair!
Your closet was fine.
You just needed something to take up your useless, empty...
nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!
- Don't touch me. - What?
Hey, lady, I may be hard up, but I am definitely not that hard up.
And I'm not goin' anywhere...
- Damn you! - Man overboard!
I'll get you for this, you...
Not my tool belt!
- You owe me 600 bucks! - Keep going!
As you wish.
If I ever get you, lady, you're dead meat! You got that?
Don't throw that!
I'm not bored. I'm quite happy.
Everyone wants to be me.
You come back here!
I lost all my tools.
I'll loan you some tools. We'll get you some part-time work, right?
I appreciate it. Billy, I need a steady job. What about that nighttime thing?
I'm working on it. Pretty soon we'll get that miniature golf course deal.
- We'll be in business. - If I can hang on that long.
He called you a what?
Joanna, why are you so upset?
Why do you care what some carpenter from Elk Snout thinks of you?
I'm sure I'm just premenstrual.
Then you must go right back to bed for at least two days.
Inga. You don't shove the food down Shitake's throat.
You place it on her tongue. Don't they have dogs in Sweden?
Grant mentioned having a baby again.
What should I do?
Darling, if you have a baby, you won't be the baby anymore.
True.
Well, I must go. Bye-bye, Mommy.
Bye-bye, sweetie.
I'm not a bitch.
Andrew, are you going to bring me my lemon...
or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?
Hey, guys, I'm home!
Stay away, you wolves!
Bad dogs! Go away!
Buster! Jackson! Get back inside!
- Are you Mr. Proffitt? - Yeah.
You look the morning after Halloween. Probably had a day like I did.
- What happened to you? - Monday is their first day of school.
I came here to welcome your family.
What do I get in return? I get toilet papered by your children.
- They were just playin' around. - Oh, just playing around?
They were about to douse the toilet paper with gasoline and strike...
Wait. Stop. Greg and Charlie, twins, right?
They're goin' through this arson period.
They don't know this, but I'm way ahead of them.
I got two fire extinguishers ready to go.
- I'm sorry. I didn't catch your name. - Adele Burbridge.
- Nice to meet you. - Principal of the Elk Cove School.
Your children are monsters!
You won't think that once you get to know them.
Where is Mrs. Proffitt when all of this is going on?
She died three years ago.
Your children are totally lacking in parental supervision.
You don't have to tell me these kids are lucky.
Fine. You can joke all you want, but I am serious about this.
If you don't do something, I am going to notify the proper authorities.
I have had baby-sitters in here by the dozen.
I'm kind of low on cash right now.
I'm new in town, but if I get a chance, I'll hire a housekeeper, all right?
I'll believe it when I see it. Good day, Mr. Proffitt.
I'm a good father!
What do you know?
Joanna, I want you tonight.
How can you have your period every week?
For $6,800 a cruise, you can stow away...
with the rich and famous to exotic ports of call.
Must you watch that thing incessantly?
Yes, I must. It has a tawdry, escapist quality that soothes my nerves.
What you have to escape from, I can't possibly imagine.
Grant, I left my wedding ring on the deck.
- Well, what can I do? - Go and get it.
- It's after midnight. - I don't care. I want it now.
I just wanna see who's in the top ten yachts.
- I'll get it. - Okay.
A countdown to the world's ten best luxury yachts.
This is the big league of the Seven Seas.
The one purchase that separates mere millionaires from multimillionaires.
Our number-ten pick is the Loch Lowman...
a 167-foot Saudi-owned dream boat docked in Tahiti.
Number nine, the 230...
Oh, my hair! Help!
Help! Help!
- The world's best luxury yacht... - You idiots!
Owned by the world's richest man, Ahknan...
Another Oregon good morning to ya.
This is Wilbur Budd here at KRAB, the family station.
Run by me and my family.
I'm sorry to interrupt the movie, but we got excitement in Tillamook County.
I got a bulletin here from the eyewitness on the spot, KRAB newsroom.
Seems a mystery woman was picked up...
by the Elk Cove garbage scow shortly after midnight.
They fished her out of the water all right, and she's conscious.
But the problem is, she seems to be suffering from amnesia.
She has no recollection of who she is.
My wife Rose is down there with the captain of the garbage scow...
that picked up the mystery lady.
Mr. Tunatti, can you tell us what the mystery woman was like...
when you brought her aboard?
Yes, we saw something floating water like this.
- Just like that. - I see.
We didn't know it... Then we bring on board, eh?
- On board. - Yes.
We say, foca. Foca, we say.
Excuse me. You can't say that on television.
Foca means seal in Portuguese.
- I see. - It's seal.
- So we bring in boat. No clothes. - Learn something every day.
- Just a little thing like that. - Well, there you have it.
- But, you see, l... - Thank you very much, Tunatti.
Garbage I do for money. For love, I sing.
- In my country, I always sing. - Isn't that interesting?
We have a Renaissance garbage man.
We tell stories with our songs. We just don't sing.
Thank you, Rose.
Bobby, can we roll that tape now, please?
Now, folks, here's an interview we taped earlier at the hospital.
Miss, do you know your name?
Of course I know my name.
It's...
This is absurd!
I know it.
Get that thing out of my face.
What a horrible wig.
You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse?
- Can she see us? - Not unless she's Super Woman.
Well, what do you know? Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible.
You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia...
either from the bump into the garbage scow or the shock of the cold water.
How temporary is it?
We don't know. Other than that, you seem to be in excellent physical shape.
Listen to me, medical people.
As of now, I have a life history of a dirty garbage scow...
and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over easy.
Now, I refuse... refuse... to be incarcerated...
in this semiprivate room!
You snore!
While there are no efforts being made for anyone to try to locate...
Is that her?
I demand you do something! Do you hear me?
No, I never saw her before in my life.
Mrs. Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate.
Now, Miss X...
we have a comfortable, private room for you where you'll be a lot safer.
We'll all be a lot safer, and you'll be a lot more comfortable.
Well, I'm glad you've finally come to your senses.
I was prepared to sue you.
I don't know who I am, but I'm sure I have a lawyer.
- You about done? - Yeah.
- We interrupt this program... - I think I got it fixed.
- Your lunch is on the counter. - Thanks.
This is Wilbur Budd again.
We got some more on that amnesia lady story down in Elk Grove.
Wanna push in on these, Barry, please?
I saw some potato chips around the corner here. Could I just...
- One bag. - Folks, I said Elk Grove before.
You know I meant Elk Cove. Anything new, honey?
The mystery woman is still suffering from complete but temporary amnesia.
If any of you know the identity of this woman, please contact the hospital.
- I'll put up the reward myself. - She's drivin' us crazy.
- Thank you, and now back to you, Wilbur. - Yo, Dean!
I understand she's not the nicest person in the world.
Look!
She made some remarks about my wife's hair which I didn't care for.
But, in any event, there she is, and this is what she looks like.
- That's her. - Who?
The bitch!
Earlier today, one man arrived on the scene to make an identification.
I can't believe it. He's skippin' out on her.
Of course he's skippin' out on her. It's his shot at freedom.
Maybe we should go down to the hospital and see if we can get your money.
- Look, he's gone. - Not him, her.
She doesn't know who she is. You think she's gonna know who I am?
It isn't much, but we're trying to keep you posted as this story unfolds.
So, we'll go back to our movie.
Billy, there is a God, and He loves me.
- Not going to shave your head, are you? - No.
- You're not thinking of... - Gotta go home and talk to my kids.
I want you to take them shopping at the Salvation Army.
This is illegal! You're crazy! You know that?
I was beginning to wonder if a woman like that had a husband.
Oh, yeah, she does.
Here's some personal effects you might recognize.
Nice panties. Some initials here. She didn't know what they meant. J.S.
She wouldn't, because I bought these for her at a garage sale.
Yeah, I bought my wife a garter once at a yard sale...
I'll bet you did. What else you got in here?
I got some pictures. We were gonna send them over the AP wire.
- But now that you're here... - Yep, that's her.
Oh, yeah, that's my little cookie cutter.
- Quite a beauty. - She's somethin'.
You got that right.
Doc, we got a winner.
Annie!
Stop!
I don't recognize this man.
Your wife's had an almost total loss of memory.
I can't believe she doesn't know her own husband.
This missing link person is not my husband.
Annie, please.
- Right. - That's not right. That's not my name.
This is crazy.
Honey, sit down. Everything's gonna be okay now.
I am your husband. My name is Dean Proffitt.
- We've been married for 13 years. - Wait!
I admit I have forgotten numerous things.
But I truly, from the depths of my soul, do not remember you!
Don't you think there'd be some spark of recognition?
- We don't know. - Maybe you'll spark to this.
I don't believe this.
He could be some stranger off the street.
He seems to like you, and he's a nice guy.
- He's good-lookin'. - Clean.
Thank you.
- What's my full name? - Come on.
- What is it? - Mrs. Annie Proffitt.
- What's my maiden name? - Annie Goolihy.
Where in God's name did I grow up? Dog Patch?
No, not there. Over in Goober, Idaho, but it's a nuclear waste dump now.
- Where did I meet you? - Hank's Doughnut World.
Seattle. You used to hang out there every night when you were in the navy.
- You remember... - I was in the armed forces?
I've still got some of those postcards you sent me from Okinawa.
Stop. The navy?
Come on, honey. You gotta know. You were in the navy!
No, I don't know. I don't know any of this! And I don't know you!
I need some proof.
Stop staring at me.
Eat your checkers.
If it were up to us, we'd be glad to give her to you, but she's right.
I'm gonna need some verification.
I know what you mean. I understand.
I don't like to talk about this in public, and I've never told anybody.
But she does have...
a small strawberry-like birthmark.
It's kind of high up on her left cheek, and it's unique.
Come to Daddy.
Mister? What was I doing out in the ocean?
That's something you like to do.
You know, diving for oysters at night.
Sometimes you get pretty far from the shore, and that undertow... Well...
Oysters? And a cold ocean at night? That doesn't sound like me.
I just ate a bug.
Keep your mouth closed. A lot of things flyin' around out here.
Welcome home, baby!
I feel faint.
Come on, Buster. Come on, Jackson.
- No, this is wrong. - Come along now.
We've only been here a couple of weeks.
A lot of stuff still left in boxes from the move...
so I hardly recognize the place myself.
We moved here deliberately?
Our last place was a real dump.
Come on.
Our new palace.
Well, let me show you around. Maybe something will come back to ya.
- Did I just go downhill? - Look, it's comin' back already.
Everything slants down here toward the bedroom.
Well, the dining room and toilet.
Only one.
And here we are at the old magic room.
Put a lot of miles on that mattress, huh?
Later. All right.
Here's where we have breakfast every morning. Let's go upstairs to the attic.
You can meet the boys. Here they come!
Hey, guys.
- Charlie tried to kill my turtle. - He didn't mean to throw it.
- It slipped out of his hand. - You're dead!
Guys! Whoa! Hey, look who's home!
- Hi, Mom! - Hi, Mom.
Gee, Mom, we really missed you.
We're so glad you're back.
They're... They're not mine?
Honey, I was sure you'd remember them.
- I think I'd remember if I had three... - Four, honey.
Don't forget Little Joe.
Well, that's about it except for...
Hey, she's been in there an hour. What did you guys get her?
- Dresses. - The right sizes?
You didn't tell us sizes. All you said was just get some dresses.
Okay, on the couch. Come on, guys. Don't blow it, huh?
Hey, a dirty magazine.
Baby doll!
This garment cannot possibly be a part of my wardrobe.
Let's forget for a moment that it's a rag.
But it happens to be 12 sizes too large.
- It's not that bad. - Not that bad?
Well, come on, honey. You got to admit you've lost a lot of weight.
You used to be like a balloon.
- Was I also shorter? - Yes. You had a bad back.
You walked kind of hunched over, you know?
I was short and fat?
I'm sure you've got a million questions.
You've been through hell.
So let's just take this thing one step at a time. First let's meet the boys.
In the middle we got the twins. That's Greg and Charlie here.
- He likes to invent things. - Twins?
Yeah, obviously they're not identical.
- Or I'd look like a shithead. - Who asked you, butthole?
Came out fightin' and still at it.
- Guys! - Charlie and I get along very well, Mom.
My twin brother and I are best friends.
He's the actor in the family. Then we got the big guy.
Eleven pounds, five ounces. Come on, honey.
Give it a try. What's his name?
Roy?
No, Travis. Sweet Trav.
- Now those are tits. - It's my turn.
Where did you... Wait, wait!
Well, I was hopin' you'd recall this guy. He's your newest, honey.
Hi, Mom. My name's Joe.
A falsetto child?
- He thinks he's Pee-wee Herman. - I love Pee-wee Herman.
- Give your ma a kiss. - No!
Do they have a problem with their glands?
Hey, guys, easy, huh? Come on!
It's not us, Dad. It's Roy.
They're great boys, aren't they?
There's so many of them.
You've always had your heart set on six...
so we'll just keep on tryin'.
Dad, they're makin' me drink blood!
Come back here.
They don't look anything like me.
They do take after your mother. Let's hope they don't become lushes too.
- My mother's a lush? - Was, honey. Cirrhosis.
She's...
- What about my father? - He's alive and well.
He's due for parole in what? Two years?
Oh, God, I don't want to hear any more.
- Baby, listen. - I just want to remember for myself.
The doctor says the best thing for you is to get back to your normal routine.
You just gotta get your memory back that way.
So you gotta do what you normally do.
What is it I normally do?
I prepared and handled raw food?
I hunt it. You cook it.
You shot a chicken?
Come on, honey. Save the jokes. We're starvin' here.
It's strange, but...
I feel as if I've never done this before in my life.
Dad, are you and Uncle Billy really gonna open up a miniature golf course?
We're just gonna build it as soon as somebody gives us the money.
- What's miniature golf? - For midget brains like you.
- I was only asking. - You shut up.
- You can't... - You guys can't do this.
I got it.
You're gonna make that turtle sick again.
You got to breathe on it.
Look at me, Dad!
Nothing's happening.
Well, pumpkin, you've got to light the burner.
Thirty seconds.
Twenty-nine, 28, 27...
- Hey! Whoa! - Fire!
- Come here. Sit down.
- Let me see your hand. - I smell hair.
I'll get the burn ointment. You'll be all right.
Okay, let's see what we... Way to hustle, guys.
You all right?
Well, now we know they work.
- Pretty good eats, Annie. - Are mashed potatoes supposed to crunch?
Where are you going?
Out. I go out every night after dinner.
Meet the boys at the bowling alley for a couple of beers.
- Don't leave me alone with them. - Come on, honey. That's not fair.
You know we live like this.
It never bothered you before. It's just the way it is.
I think you'd better get used to it.
When are you coming home?
When I feel like it. It just depends on how drunk I get.
- How's it goin' with your debutante? - She's one lousy cook.
But as long as I don't have to do it.
How long are you gonna keep her?
Let's see, 25 bucks a day, huh?
Figure little wifey-pooh can work off what she owes me...
in a little over a month.
- Your first night with her, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Come on, huh?
I'm not gonna tell you she doesn't have a great body, but that's, you know...
A pretty decent face too... She's too rich for my blood.
Chocolate cake's a little bit rich, too...
but I wouldn't mind eatin' one every once in a while.
Nope, it's not my style. Of course, eating a whole cake isn't either.
But I'll tell you something, I'm gonna have some fun with her tonight.
- What are you gonna do? - What are you drinkin' there?
Oh, just some rotgut. Cheapest stuff they got.
Perfect.
Wait. Wait.
You jumped my bones the first night we met.
We did it on the first date?
Well, I couldn't call it a date really.
We just did it right there in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven.
I'm a slut.
- Huh? - Nothing.
I'm a little drunk tonight, baby, so it might take me a while to get there.
What? No boom-boom?
Hey, I understand.
You probably just want to go right to sleep and skip the fun stuff, huh?
- Yes. - Okay.
Thank you. No boom-boom.
Baby, the couch.
What?
You see, honey, the reason you got a bad back...
is because the bed's too soft for you and that's why you sleep on the couch.
I'm a short, fat slut.
Help! My body!
Rover, go!
- Up! Up, up, up! - Help.
- Come on. - Help.
Time to get up.
Got to fix the kids' lunches, or they're gonna miss their bus for school.
I don't care if they don't go to school.
Okay, they'll just be with you all day.
Bye, Mom.
- Whoa! The bus is here. - Bye, Mom.
- 7:15! Let's go! - Hurry up, Mom.
My name is Travis.
- Come on, Joey. - Stop honking!
- Twin? Oh, Twin? - She means you.
Have a good day at school, honey.
You ready? Come on.
Bye, Mom. You're doin' a great job.
I'm off to work.
Somebody's got to keep this family in the lap of luxury.
Oh, I figured you'd forget.
- So I made it for you myself. - What?
Your list of daily chores. See ya tonight.
My, oh, my I got a wonderful slave
And you are a genius.
You're living in a nightmare that starts at the crack of dawn.
Down!
There.
Dinner! Dinner!
She needs food.
This is fun.
Hey, guys.
- What's goin' on here? - Nothing. We're okay. We're fine.
- How about you? - What's wrong with her?
She's been like that for an hour now.
- She's getting better though. - Better?
Yeah, she's not going...
- Why'd she do that? - She destroyed the scarecrow, Dad.
She ripped the sucker's head off.
I like when she goes...
Hey, baby doll?
What's for dinner?
Okay, I'll take it from here. Go on. Get upstairs.
Dad, will you trade her in for a new one?
She'll be all right.
Come on, guys. Move it.
Feel better?
I don't belong here. I feel it.
Don't you think I feel it?
I can't do any of these vile things, and I wouldn't want to.
My life is like death.
My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil.
Oh, God!
Baby, we like you.
She's okay. She's doin' the dishes. No more...
Good. All right.
- Dad? - Yeah?
Do you think she'll figure out we're tricking her and leave?
Not if we don't blow it.
- What are you doing? - Looking for memorabilia.
Memora... what?
Scrapbooks, photographs.
Something that will spark some wisp of a memory.
Do we or do we not possess these things?
Well...
Do you mean to tell me there's not one piece...
of photographic evidence of our life together...
anywhere in existence?
Well, I don't know where they'd be because...
you know, we lost a lot of stuff in the move.
And it's possible that we lost...
The closet.
And you.
That's right. This is me, and I'm standing in front of the closet.
Something's familiar.
You got it. We used to do it in the closet.
Stop with the sex stories.
See, now you're getting grumpy. It's because you've been busy.
I want you to stop everything, go on in here, take a bath.
Hey, guys, get the turtle out of the bathtub.
I'm gonna look for the pictures first thing in the morning, okay?
All right. Good night, honey.
Somebody better be dead.
I want you to do me a favor.
- Hey, Billy, who ya talkin' to? - Nobody.
- Who's that? - No one.
- Hey, is that Dean? Hi, Dean. - Hi, Gertie.
- Why don't you come on in? - Go back to bed, Gertie.
If you're gonna treat me like that, I'm goin' home.
Don't be like that.
Billy, remember in high school how you faked our I.D. S? I need a fake bride.
- I'm busy. - Not anymore. She's goin' home.
I'll do it, but if we get caught, it's your ass.
It's my wedding day. Why do I look so annoyed?
Your dad showed up shit-faced.
He threw potato salad all over my mom. We had to throw him out.
Why do I have this depressed look on my face all the time?
You were grumpy a lot. You were losing the weight.
Then you gained it back. Thin, fat, thin...
Was I always this miserable? Wasn't I ever happy?
Well, sure, honey, lots.
You're the happiest little wife and mother in the world, really.
Look at this. Before you lost the weight. Can you believe it?
All right, now that's it. Are you satisfied?
- Yes. - Good.
I suppose I belong here in this hovel.
Come on, Jackson. Come on.
Well, this is my life.
I didn't marry very well, did I?
I love L.A.
I love all my starlets. What were your names again?
- Tofutti Klein. - Tofutti. I love it!
If that's my mother-in-law, tell her I'm not here.
You're Kim and Kimberly.
- The Stayton yacht. - Hello, Andrew. It's Mrs. Mintz.
I'm so virile. I'm so rich.
- I'd like to speak to my daughter. - They're not here, madam.
They've gone out shopping.
There's the snap.
A little bit lower. Yeah, lower.
That's good. That's good.
Uncle Billy, were you really in the Coast Guard?
Damn right.
Why does he keep staring at me?
- Is he? - Yes.
He was staring at me with his mouth open all through dinner.
Honey, Billy was your high school boyfriend.
You don't get any of the old feelings back when you look at him, do you?
I don't wanna do it.
You gotta do it if you wanna be one of the Gruesome Ghouls.
It's part of the initiation. Think about it.
That's good. Thanks a lot.
Sugar lips, I think our guest needs another beer.
I really shouldn't, but maybe just one more...
six-pack?
- That a girl. - Thank you.
- It's all the beer. - Whoa, buttercup.
Just about time for dessert, huh? How about some brownies?
- I didn't make any brownies. - How about some chocolate cream pie?
I made chocolate cream pie.
- Is this gonna work? - My ideas always work. I'm gifted.
I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
I was thinking about it at work. What we need is a theme for this golf course.
All we need is a couple of contraptions you can knock golf balls through.
You're worryin' too much about it.
- What's the score? I had my eyes closed. - Thirty-two, ten.
- Who's winning? - The guys with 32.
Right.
This is great.
Who did this?
- Hey, what happened? - One of them...
This happened.
You guys are beggin' for it, I'm tellin' ya.
What are you blustering about? You'll never punish them.
Ease up there, love chop. Just ease up.
Ease up? Ease up?
Ever since I walked through that door, I have cooked, cleaned...
scrubbed, chopped wood.
I've waited on you, your dogs, your kids and your friends...
in the hopes that I would remember some shred of my life...
and now it is entirely clear to me why I've chosen to block it out!
- None of this ever bothered you... - Bothered me before.
It bothers me now!
He looks downfield. He throws it!
- All right, Joe! - Is that so?
Hey, Joe. Come on, guys. No more jokes on Mom today, huh?
You really got her right where you want her, don't you?
I got everything under control. Don't worry.
- This is flat. Give me another one. - I only got six.
I guess we're gonna have to send out the old ball and chain to buy more, huh?
Good stuff.
Your chocolate cream pie.
Thanks, honey.
I guess it's kind of tough to serve with your hands stuck to plates.
Clear a space.
- There we are. - Honey, we need forks.
- Sugar lips? - Yeah?
Wait a minute!
Fire, fire, fire!
Come on, guys! Go get her!
Thanks for a lovely dinner!
- She never did that before. - Well, she did it now.
- Look at this. I gotta go to work. - Wait for me.
She went this way. This way, guys. Gruesome Ghouls attack!
- What should I do, Travis? - Go home.
Wait a minute.
- I've got you! - Let's tickle her!
That hurts!
Leave me alone!
Time to get up.
Go to the bathroom and do what you normally do.
- Gonna squirt us with the hose again? - That's up to you.
- I gotta feed my turtle. - Damn turtle stole my headband.
- Joey, come on. Time to get up. - Dumb thing moves a centimeter an hour.
I don't want to. The teacher's a big fat tub.
Proffitt boys, come up here.
Miss Pitcannon tells me you don't want to take these tests.
I'm itchy, and I wanna go home!
You may go stand in the corner until you can talk like a little boy.
All of you children are new in this school.
These scores will determine your placement in future classes.
You must really concentrate.
- Make a face. - Stop that!
- I'm in real bad shape. - Nonsense!
If you concentrate, I'm sure you can control those little bodies.
I see that, Amanda.
Joey, sit!
- Is anyone at your home? - Yeah, our mom is.
You have a mother now? Your father remarried?
Yeah, we got a new mother now.
Well, good, then I'm calling both your parents.
Mrs. Burbridge, I'm Annie Proffitt. What happened?
Well, Mrs. Proffitt, apparently your children...
consider themselves above taking the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests.
I'm sorry. What are the Schwartzman-Heinliken tests?
Placement tests. We find them very valuable in measuring...
intelligence and potential.
Sit still!
Your children are a discipline problem.
I know. I have had difficulties myself.
- What did you do now? - They decided to play sick...
and not very convincingly.
I believe their problems exist because of deficient parental guidance.
The children are slovenly, incorrigible...
and being reared by a father who clearly isn't concerned about their welfare...
but is himself just a large child.
- Excuse me, Mrs. Burbridge. - The test results. Thank you, Gloria.
I'll look these over as soon as I finish with this woman.
Oh, my God.
I'll see you later in the cafeteria.
Mrs. Burbridge, would you come over here for a moment?
Has it escaped your attention these children have head-to-toe poison oak?
Why, no... Well, yes, but...
But what? My children are in need of medical assistance.
And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests?
Tests which exist to pigeonhole children's potential...
a thing which cannot possibly be measured...
least of all by anal compulsive Huns.
And my husband may be a large child, but that's none of your business.
And my children may be rotten, but they're mine.
And I think that they're bright and sensitive.
So I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence.
I do, however, have serious doubts about yours.
Kids, get in the car. Let's go.
Move!
- She told her off. - Dad never did that.
Discipline problem?
My regards to Schwartzman and Heinliken.
I can't stop itching!
What do you expect when you roll around in poison oak?
I want you to do what the doctor said. Put it right on the red parts.
Okay? Then we're going to clean up this room.
- It's a disgrace. - We like it like a disgrace.
Dad lets us do whatever we want.
Well, it's trickling down the stairway. Joey, don't get that near your eyes.
Look, I want you to read this. You see what it says?
"Don't get near your eyes." Read on.
- What's this all about? - He's embarrassed 'cause he can't read.
- Well, he's a small child. - He can't read for a small child either.
The teacher makes fun of 'im.
Okay, we'll talk about this later. You kids go to sleep.
Where is that?
- What is it? - Where're you going?
Out, if I can ever find my...
Wait. Not tonight.
We have to talk.
- When I get home. I'm in a hurry. - Now.
You know I let the water routine slide, but let's not push it.
I did get carried away with the hose, but this is important.
- We have to talk. - Fine. What's on you mind, sugar lips?
Stop calling me sugar lips. Call me Annie.
Get to the point, Annie. I got things to do. The guys are waiting.
You can't run out when things get complicated. The kids are sick.
They got calamine lotion all over 'em. What do you want me to do?
I want you to take on some grownup responsibility.
I earn the money. That's my grownup responsibility.
Are you aware that Joey can't read and that Travis only reads smut magazines?
- I can't get him out of the bathroom. - I'll build you another bathroom.
They don't need another bathroom. They need guidance from you.
Wait. Don't you worry about me and my boys. We're pals.
They have enough pals. They need a father.
Hey, I decided a long time before you and me...
We decided a long time ago, before we even started this family...
we'd raise these kids naturally, not force rules on them.
- I'm talking about... - Stuff you shouldn't be talking about.
You're stepping over the line. It's none of your business anyway.
- My children are none of my business? - Look, now I'm late! Thanks a lot!
- You asleep? - No. Go away.
Listen, I'm...
I'm sorry I came down on you so hard before.
That's okay.
Don't think I don't appreciate all the housework you've been doing...
and how you handle the kids and all that.
I think you're doing great.
What you said about me and the boys tonight...
I guess you probably...
Maybe you got a small point there and I can't...
I can't talk to you while you're turned away from me.
Will you please get your head out and look at me?
- No! - Why?
Because I'm so ugly.
I got poison oak too.
Come on, now. Nobody cares what you look like.
I mean, we do like the way you look.
Normally, you look real pretty.
You just don't now.
Honey... Forget it.
I don't even have a wedding ring.
- What? - I lost my wedding ring at sea.
Okay. Come on.
- Let's go. - Oh, no!
I'm not going back in the water barrel.
I'm puttin' you in the bedroom. I'll take the couch.
Listen, I've had poison oak a million times.
Come on, guys. Up!
You know, I once got poison oak on my back...
and...
Well, don't you worry. It'll be gone in no time.
Lift your head. That's it.
- There. Is that better? - Yeah.
- You all right? - Yes.
Tell me something about my life, about my past, please.
Something not horrible.
There was that time...
when you were...
workin' at Burger Boy over in Lewitsville.
This kid started chokin' on a french fry.
Everybody in the place panicked, including me, except for you.
You ran right over there to him and you gave him that Heimlich maneuver.
You know, where you...
Kid puked up the fry and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month.
It's great. They put your picture above the cash register.
I was really proud of you. I mean it.
You can be quite charming when you want to be.
You just caught me on a bad day.
Good night, Annie.
Good night.
- Heads up! - After I got out of the Coast Guard...
I looked up Dean, seeing as we used to play high school football together.
Used to call him Mean Dean Proffitt. Used to call me Bad Billy Pratt.
- Out. - Billy, when did we date?
Let's eat!
- It might be interesting for adults. - Are you talking about the golf course?
Yeah. Them guys in suits come down in less than a week.
What do you think about this: Sink 'Em and Drink 'Em.
Eighteen holes of miniature golf based on famous breweries.
I think what I thought yesterday. It's a lousy idea.
I thought you'd think it was a better idea today, being sober.
What about other places? Foreign places.
What do you mean, like France? Africa?
I speak French!
It just came out.
Do I know what I said? Yes, I do.
I must've learned that in Paris.
When was I in Paris? In the navy.
- Navy. - It's a stupid idea in any language.
Besides, we're buildin' these things in America.
This isn't a bad idea. I could invent some wild things here. Go on.
Well, like the Taj Mahal. Seven Wonders of the World.
Yeah. Bring the Wonders of the World to Elk Cove.
- I gotta bring this in for a price. - I can bring it in.
Can you draw me some pictures tonight so I can see what you're talkin' about?
- What's this? - Travis found a girlfriend.
Hey, Trav! Don't knock her up!
Very funny.
- Watch your language. - Oh, Mom!
- Come on. What are you talkin' about? - Pick a Wonder.
- Stevie Wonder. - Yeah. Pick another Wonder.
- Wonder Bread. - Give me one Wonder.
There's Mount Rushmore, the Parthenon.
- Parthenon, right. - St. Basil's, the Russian Cathedral.
Grand Canyon. Hey, everybody'll love that. Egyptian pyramids.
- There's the Eiffel Tower. - That's expensive. If it rains...
Hey. Fiberglass. Perfect!
Let's clean up for an early dinner. I've got a lot of drawing to do.
Isn't Dad gonna eat dinner with us tonight?
He had to go out.
- He had to go bowling this time. - Really?
You know, it's pretty hard to go bowling without a bowling ball.
- The trophy was gorgeous. - I know. I wanted it too.
- Two-eighty. - I'll do the cookin', honey
I'll pay the rent I know I done you wrong
You remember that rainy evening I put you out
- With nothin' but a fine-toothed comb - What do you want with ol' Sweet Mouth?
Ain't that a shame I know I was to blame
Bill Bailey won't you please come on home
Scott Murphy, bring your invoice up to the front.
This ain't your average pile of fertilizer here.
No sirree. This here's a special blend.
Fish heads, shrimp skins, crab claws, earthworm droppings...
I don't wanna know that much about it.
- Here you go. - After this you get to shovel fish guts.
If you're lucky, we'll let you clean the truck.
- I forgot to give you this. - What?
- Why do I got to put on airs? - Stop fussing. You look great.
Well, they put their pants on just like me, one leg at a time.
- You can't catch it anyway. - Don't be nervous, okay?
If we don't get it, so what? We've been through rougher times.
I think.
Gentlemen, this is Dean Proffitt, inventor and master craftsman.
- It's all yours, Dean. - This is what we're here for tonight.
It's the Wonders of the World miniature golf course.
I think that if you'll look at these pictures you'll begin to feel...
what we're trying to do is bring some of this outer world into Elk Cove.
This is the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It's going to double as a pizza stand.
It's an idea for the future.
I see the pagodas caught your eye.
Aw, shit, I'm sorry. Let me get that.
Waitress. Get over here, will ya?
Have you ever been nervous in your life?
Go ahead. Ask me if we got the money.
- Did you get the money? - We got the money.
- Great! That's so great! - Can you believe it?
Step up. Stroke it up there.
Now, she comes back. Quick. See through the hole.
It's got three choices. This time it's gonna go past the oil funnel...
past the plastic band, into the kids' sand shovel...
and flour sifter.
Turn around quick. Here it comes. Should be out about now.
- Show me your invention. - You're gonna hate it.
I'm not gonna hate it. I love 'em.
That's nice.
- I gotta tell her, Billy. - What?
I gotta tell Annie the truth.
In the beginning it was okay because it was part of a gag.
Now it's more like lies.
- I know what you're thinkin'. - I'm not thinkin' anything.
Yeah, you are. I'm gonna tell her.
I know it's time to tell her.
Ooh, Dr. Death looks mad.
- Joker's saying, "No!" - I know. What does he say up here?
- "I will re... re... re... - Reduce.
Reduce your puny planet...
- to rub... rub... - Rubble.
- Rubble." - Good. That's very good, sweetie.
Are you gonna leave?
No. I'm your mommy.
Sometimes moms leave.
Well, I guess maybe they do, but I'm not gonna go anywhere.
Good.
Ooh, what is this? Is this a present for me?
- I made it from macaroni. - I love it.
I'll always wear it.
- Hey, Dad. - Hi. How's it goin', guys?
I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play.
- I got an "A" in English. - I'm flunkin' math.
I guess we better work on it.
You're just in time. Dr. Death is on the rampage.
Annie, I need to talk to you.
Alone, guys.
Something wrong?
Well, no. Yeah.
No, I just need to tell you something. Here, sit down.
What is it?
Annie, I've done something...
that I'm ashamed of.
- I just... - I already know.
You do?
What do you know?
That you work nights at the fertilizer plant.
You don't have to be ashamed because you shovel fish guts.
I'm proud of you no matter what you do.
- Is that it? - Well, that's one of the things.
But l... No. Not really.
What is it?
L...
God, I forgot your birthday.
- It's my birthday? - Come on. Get dressed.
Jim Dandy to the rescue
Go, Jim Dandy Go, Jim Dandy
I was sittin' on a mountaintop
Thirty-thousand feet to drop
Spied a lady on a runaway horse
Uh-huh, that's right, of course
Come on. I've had it.
- Are we going home? - What?
- Oh, no. Aren't you hot? - Yeah. Let's go outside.
- Come on. - Let's not forget this at $7 a pop.
Don't worry about the cost. It's your birthday.
One last toast to your birthday.
Oh. Whoops. I lost my bottom.
Wait a minute.
- There. They always do that. - Okay.
- Happy birthday, Annie. - Thanks, Dean.
- I never tasted anything like this. - It's good stuff.
- Boy, it sure is pretty, isn't it? - Beautiful.
Why do they honk three times?
That's the way they signal they're coming home.
It's a legend of Arturo...
who was a Portuguese fisherman.
He met this beautiful girl his first night in town, Katerina.
Eventually, they fell in love.
But the problem was that Katerina's father was the territorial governor.
He didn't want his only little girl runnin' around with a lowly fisherman.
He told Arturo he'd have to ship off, which he did...
but not before he told Katerina he'd be back for her.
And when he came back, he'd signal with three long blasts, just like you heard.
She could dive off the rocks into the water, swim out to the boat...
and they'd be on their way.
- Oh, I love this story. - A year later, all went as planned.
When she was swimmin' out to the boat, the fog got so thick...
that she couldn't find the boat.
Arturo panicked and he called out, "Katerina! Katerina!"
Katerina yelled back, "Arturo!" With that, he dove off the boat...
into the icy waters and they...
- Kissed? - No, they drowned.
They never found each other and they both drowned.
- That's a terrible story. - But the legend is...
that they reunited at the bottom of the sea, right over there...
and every time you see the spray goin' up, it's them.
- Making love? - Yeah.
Forever and ever.
What, Annie?
How old am I?
Twenty-nine.
Was it always like this?
Every time with you is like the first time.
Come on, guys! Let us sleep for a while!
- It's all right. - That's it. I'm gonna spank 'em.
I've had it. Every one of 'em's gonna get it.
Surprise!
- A washing machine. - You like it?
- Honey, it's so expensive. - No shit.
I love it.
Thank you.
She might have no tits, but she has a nice ass.
What did he say?
This is ludicrous. I've called every week for two months.
And I've looked forward to each and every call.
Do you have the gall to tell me that I've missed her again?
She's sleeping.
I don't believe you. If you do not produce Joanna...
in one week, I am going to hire a mass of mercenaries to hunt you down...
and chop off the protruding parts of your body.
- Is that clear? - I'll find her.
I mean, you'll have your daughter soon. Bye.
Point the boat back to Elk's Snout.
You and Mommy are going to take a little trip, aren't we?
We's gonna go bye-bye. Yes.
- Sit there and don't get dirty. - I hate this!
- This is boring. - It's not so bad to get dressed up.
I feel like the goddamn Brady Bunch.
- Dad's here. - Mom, Dad's home.
Hey, guys.
I gotta go put on a suit. Gertie's picking me up.
How could you guys go hunting on an important day like this?
Easy. The pheasant don't play miniature golf.
Yeah, huntin' calms Billy down.
- The ceremonies start in an hour. - Billy, hang this guy up.
I'll clean him tonight. Sweetie, I'll be ready in a second.
I lent the station wagon to Gertie, so we have to take the truck.
God, what a mess.
Feathers!
"J.S."
Honey, would you hand me a towel there?
Thanks.
What is this?
No, that's my question. I found them in the truck.
I don't know what these are.
L... Who... Here.
We gotta get goin'. We're gonna be late for the golf...
Thanks for puttin' my clothes on the bed.
- Oh, stop it. - This is nothing!
Nothing? I give you the best years of my life.
I've raised your children. I bore your fruit four times...
and you tell me this is nothing?
You're making a big deal out of a little thing.
That little thing happens to be the number one cause of divorce.
Where's my jacket? What divorce? What are you saying?
- I'm saying what I'm saying. - You're saying what you're saying.
- What, you want a divorce? - Yeah. Maybe I do.
- You can't have one. - Oh, really?
- I can have a divorce. - Where's my damn boots?
I can get a divorce if I want to. I don't need your permission.
Do you love her?
Do you?
Tell me.
Honestly? Yes and no.
More yes than no?
This is unbelievable! How did you find... Where did...
I'm glad this happened.
You know, I've been trying to figure out a way to tell you this. Sit down.
I want to tell you something.
"J.S." is you. These are yours, and we're not married.
- There. God, I finally said it. - What's her name? Jacqueline?
- Josie? - Listen, I'm not your husband.
- You're not my wife. Okay? - Did you meet at the fertilizer plant?
- Stop it. - Does she hand out shovels?
These aren't your kids. You didn't bear anything.
- Don't change the subject. Who is she? - Forget it! Come here!
Guys, we gotta talk. This is serious.
- Mom, we're still all clean. - I told her she's not your mother.
I want you to tell her too.
- Go ahead. Tell her. - Dad, tell her what?
- Tell her she's not your mother. - But she is our mother.
Don't tell her what I told you to tell her. Just tell her the truth.
Tell her about the day I brought her home.
She went for a swim. We were really worried. I was up all night pacing.
Goddamn it! You'd never seen her before in your lives!
Don't speak to my children that way! I've had it.
- What do you guys think you're doin'? - We won't let you ruin everything.
- We're keepin' her. - You can't! She doesn't belong to you.
She didn't belong to you, either, but that didn't stop you.
- I had my reasons! - So do we.
- We like her, Dad! - Oh, you like her, do you?
You like her so much, you'd rather live with her than your own father?
- Found 'em in the glove compartment? - Yeah. Now tell me every sordid detail.
Who is J. S and what does she do to Dean?
Please, tell me everything. Be honest with me.
- That's my underwear. - What?
I don't mean I wear it or anything. It belongs to a girlfriend of mine.
- What about Gertie? - I strayed.
I got lucky with this phone-sex girl.
I found one that accepted personal checks.
I don't have a backseat in my truck so I used yours.
Dean doesn't want you to tell Gert so he's coverin' for me.
- What the hell are you talkin' about? - I confessed. The jig is up.
The jig is up. I'm finally trying to tell her the truth here.
I just did. I didn't get the reputation...
for being Bad Billy Pratt by accident.
Annie, I'm sorry.
- I got horny. Do you hate me? - Oh, no, I don't hate you.
- I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt. - What a pile of shit.
- Honey, phone-sex girls... - I've been so silly.
Don't come to your truck.
Stop trying to cover for him. Let's just forget it.
Pretty expensive panties.
- Well... - You can have these back.
That girl must have more than one phone.
- Pretty good, huh? - You did all this...
just to protect your own ass 'cause you faked a few pictures for me?
No, I did it to protect your ass. You belong with her.
- Cute. - Mom, help!
Help! He has my hand!
Why do you stick your hands in people's mouths anyway?
Let's go to another one.
I have been calling all over Elk Cove.
No, don't worry.
No, I will try Portland for a limousine.
I really don't have anything to say, except that...
there wouldn't be a Wonders of the World miniature golf course if not for...
the imagination and creativity of one woman.
That's my Annie. Annie, you want to come up here?
I love you, Annie. I want you to be with me always.
Everybody, play ball!
Let's go clean up.
- Hey, Dad, whose car is that? - A rich relative we don't know about?
- Sure. It's Daddy Warbucks. - Maybe we won the lottery.
Hi, Grant. I just have to put these in some water.
Is that you?
You're Grant Stayton III.
I remember.
I'm Joanna Stayton.
I'm cured.
I can remember again.
Oh, God.
You can't imagine how terrible it is not to know who you are.
The doctor said my mind would come back suddenly and he was right.
I didn't believe him, but I saw you, I walked into the house...
and poof, my memory came back.
Ask me anything. Ask me about my childhood in New York.
About my mom. Her name is Edith.
About my money. Money! I have lots of money!
- I even have some in Switzerland. - Switzerland?
See how I know me? Oh, God, this is the happiest day of my life.
Oh, thank you for bringing me here and making me a wife and a mother.
Why did you do that?
Why... I know why.
You're that sweaty carpenter who hates me.
And these are your children, and you made me...
believe that...
Oh, God.
You tricked me.
You used me.
Say something.
Annie, it just started out...
My name is not Annie.
And I don't belong with you.
And I don't belong with them.
I have to get my things.
Don't get any ideas. I brought Olaf.
I think we can take Olaf.
I won't have...
There's nothing inside that's mine.
Joanna...
for whatever it's worth...
thank you.
Come on, dear.
We'll get you out of these clothes.
- Mom, wait! - Mom!
Get away from this car!
- You said moms don't leave! - Get!
You should have told her, Dad.
She just would have left sooner.
Come on.
Welcome back, Mrs. Stayton.
Dr. Korman, will she ever again be the debutante I raised?
- Will she be one of us? - She wants to rediscover her old self.
Her memory is almost completely restored.
She even recalled the session where I wrote this.
I love you madly though you treat me badly
Dr. Korman, please.
We need analysis, not "Moon River."
I want my wife back.
Joanna knows who she is.
And she's trying to behave that way. Happy?
Good evening, madam.
My darling Joanna.
You look radiant, Jo-Jo.
Please don't call me that. I feel like a Pomeranian.
You always like being called Jo-Jo. It was dittums you hated.
Mother, why does Dr. Korman have to be here?
- I feel self-conscious enough as it is. - Oh, sweetie.
Just indulge Mommy, hmm?
Come along now. Sit, sit, sit.
Andrew, I'm sitting.
Now, Mrs. Mintz.
Dr. Korman knows you so well, dear, and he only wants to help.
Champagne, madam.
Thank you, Andrew.
- Andrew, I'd love a beer. - A beer?
- That's wrong, isn't it? - Nothing is ever wrong.
Actually, I really don't see the harm in accommodating her wishes, Andrew.
Cigarette, darling?
I don't smoke, Mother. Do I?
Of course you smoke. You've always smoked.
- I smoke. - Why don't we all smoke?
Why do I have to smoke?
I've never smoked. I get sick when I smoke.
Why is everyone always trying to make me do what I don't want to do?
Grant, we are not interested in your therapy.
I had my nervous breakdown, and I didn't have therapy.
I never had therapy!
- Mother, would you like some? - I'd love some.
Put that down! Good God, Joanna. We have servants for that.
Now, really, this is going too far.
Joanna, what motivated you to rise and get the serving tray?
I thought you might be hungry.
- That's excellent. - What's excellent about it?
I was hungry.
Your beer, madam.
Who cares whether you were hungry? She turned herself into a waitress.
- My daughter is a waitress? - Hold it.
Good stuff.
I'll stay an extra few days, yes.
- They won't come in. - Shit.
Spaghetti-O Surprise.
What's going on?
- We're gettin' Mom back. - We miss her.
She cuts the crusts off the bread.
She doesn't take any of my shit, either. I need discipline.
We got three dollars and four cents.
We're gonna go rent a fishing boat, then we're gonna go get her back.
No fishin' boat's gonna catch a yacht, especially at that price.
Maybe she'll change her mind and come back.
Yeah, right, Dumbo. She's on her way to New York.
- This is a job for Dr. Death! - Yeah! Dr. Death could do it!
We gotta do somethin', right, Dad?
Wrong.
Now, she's gone, guys. She hates me.
She's got her rich husband back...
and her rich life, and that's the end of it.
I love the sound of the ocean.
Hello.
Tofutti, where are you when I need you?
All together, and lick.
Shake, lick, drink.
Suck.
- You sucked first. - No, I didn't.
Change of watch. Gotta go. Let's go.
You, croissants in the morning.
Paul, dinner was wonderful.
- You best not lose these again, madam. - Again?
With my apologies, madam. "Andrew, I seem to have lost my ruby earrings...
somewhere between 64th...
and 68th streets.
Find them."
I've behaved so badly.
I don't know how you put up with me for so long.
You've done so many wonderful things for me...
and I've never even once said thank you.
I'm sorry.
Apology accepted, ma'am.
Everyone thinks I'm crazy around here. Do you think they're right?
No, madam.
Most of us go through life with blinders on, madam...
knowing only that one little station to which we were born.
But now you, madam, on the other hand have had...
the rare privilege of escaping your bonds for just a spell...
to see life from an entirely new perspective.
How you choose to use that information, madam...
is entirely up to you.
- Captain Karl. - Yes, ma'am?
- We've never really had time to talk. - No, we haven't.
Well, there's no time now.
- What are you doing? - I'm turning the boat around.
- Why? - I'm going home.
You're turning that wheel too fast.
Captain Karl, why is the land on the wrong side of the yacht?
Oh, she did? Well, she's gone too far this time.
She thinks she's dealing with an idiot.
I suppose we're heading back to the jungles of Oregon.
- I want to go back, Grant. - To him.
Yes, I'm sorry.
You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot.
Captain Karl, go below. I'm taking over and bringing this ship about.
Andrew, go get Dr. Korman. Go! Get out of my way, Karl.
- But, sir. - Now I'm in charge.
We're coming about at full speed ahead!
- Who is it? - Dr. Death! Let's go.
- We're gonna go get her. - Come on, guys.
Billy's friends are gonna help us.
I hope I don't get court-martialed for this, Pratt.
- I owe you. - Anything in the manual?
There's no procedures for pulling alongside another ship...
and telling a passenger you love them, sir.
Well, put your nose in the manual and find something, Lucas.
Doesn't matter what you do. I'm getting off at the next port.
Don't be ridiculous. Nobody leaves a Stayton.
I don't love you anymore, Grant. Please try and understand that.
What does love got to do with marriage?
You'd actually prefer living in squalor with that cave dweller?
They should have kept you in the psycho ward of that hospital.
What did you say?
How did you know that?
You left me there, didn't you?
You snake.
How could you do that?
How could you be such a slime?
Call me all the names you want, but many women adore me.
Do you want to know what I was doing? I'll tell you, dittums.
I was whacking the donkey with painted ladies. They love me.
Yes, I did leave you.
There. Now I've confessed. So what?
We're at sea. And I'm a god at sea.
9:00 in the morning... This better be good.
Dr. Korman, Grant's having another nervous breakdown.
He thinks he's God. Keep him busy.
All right. Good morning, Grant.
Korman, my wife is insane. Do we have a straitjacket on board?
- I always carry one, yeah. - Good. Put her in it.
You're overwrought, Grant. I want you to take a Valium.
I don't have my prescription. Oh, here, take one of mine.
- Is Nino here? - Nino on break.
I have to stop the boat. My husband's a little crazy.
- The captain stop the boat. - I'm the captain, okay?
Please don't salute. I have to find a red button.
Don't touch that!
- Vessel sighted straight ahead, sir. - Identify.
There's a fat guy in my way, sir.
Who are you calling fat, you little weasel? Come here!
Where's the thing? I need the red...
- Here! Here it is. - No, please!
- The boat stopped. - Yes, the boat stopped.
- I need to turn it around. Can we? - Nino on break.
He's here!
That's him!
Stop that boat immediately and let me get my mom!
- What is... - Pee-wee Herman.
Come in, Immaculata.
- He's here! - I don't wanna come in!
There's mutiny afoot.
She's at the bottom of this mutiny.
I'm gonna rid myself of this albatross once and for all.
Hey, Annie!
He's here.
- Go back to New York, Dr. Korman. - Really? Thank you.
- Dean! - Madam! The ship has stopped.
Did he strike you? Did he make you do something you didn't want to?
No! Everything's wonderful!
Message over the radio, sir.
Looks like the fun's over. Salmon poachers fishing in illegal waters.
That takes precedence over your friend's love life.
- Come about! - Son, no more radio.
Wait!
- Billy, what's going on? - We're turning around.
They're going after salmon poachers.
He's leaving!
Where's he going?
- Katerina! - Arturo!
Oh! I'm coming!
Man overboard!
Shit! Sound the horn. Coming about again, Chapowski.
- No, madam. I cannot let you do this. - What?
Not without a life jacket.
Dean, I'm coming!
Madam, you really should play a little hard to get.
Tell my mother I'll call her!
Woman overboard!
She's wearing an evening dress, sir.
Get those kids out of the rescue boat. Let's go! Let's go!
My mom's out there! Let me...
Halt, you treasonous tramp!
Conspiring with the enemy at sea is mutiny!
Pull!
Another man overboard!
I am giving my notice, sir.
Dean, I love you! I'll never leave you again!
I'll never let you go. You're my Annie and you always will be.
Man overboard is kissing woman overboard.
Our rescue boat is starboard.
The guy with the arrows is being pulled in at port.
It's a hell of a day at sea, sir!
I can't believe you did it.
- I saw you jumped, so I jumped. - I don't mean that.
I can't believe you gave all that up just for me.
- I didn't. - What do you mean?
Well, the truth is that it's mine.
The boat, the money, everything... it's all mine.
Dean! Dean, it's okay!
- Did you tell 'em? - Yeah.
- They're making their Christmas lists. - Already?
How do you spell "Porsche"?
They got me to thinking, though.
What can I possibly give you ever that you don't already have?
A little girl.
{{{ the end }}}